More of Me.

I don't fit in. I've never, in fact, fit in. I have always been a person that can usually get along with multiple types of people and groups. Since moving back to Texas I feel more and more like I don't fit in here, especially in Lubbock. I have one best friend out here. All of my other friends are spread out across the country. I hate that this place feels like high school all over again. Drama ensues almost everywhere you go. You get ousted from hanging out with people because you haven't been cast or you aren't "cool" enough. This doesn't help when are depressed and have to feel like no one could careless if you are in the room.

Telling me I'm filled with drama is total b.s. No one actually knows what I deal with internally on a daily basis. I deal with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Not that any of my military buddies would agree with the PTSD because I never served overseas or anything. What they don't seem to understand is PTSD has everything to do with something traumatic that has happened to someone. It doesn't even need to deal with war. Anxiety gives me panic attacks even when I don't have anything to worry about. It feels like a heart attack. Depression is probably the toughest to deal with on a daily basis. I live alone with my dog and cat. It takes every part of my being to get up and actually function day to day. I have my good days and I definitely have my bad days. Sometimes the good outweigh the bad or vice versa. I can't control how I feel when I wake up, all I can really do is try my best to look at the positive in life and focus on the fact I've made it this far. I've lost many a good friend to depression and I refuse to go down like that. I may struggle day to day but I'm still here holding on and fighting to stay in the game.

I was 10 years old when I lost my father. I know that losing a family member is no excuse to be depressed until you are my age. Try being a young adult and having been to over 10 funerals in 10 years. I know that may not seem like a lot but for most people it is. I've dealt with so much in such a short amount of time I'm surprised my heart still bleeds. Dealing with death is hard enough but tack on sexual/physical abuse and it can feel like the world has crumbled in on you. I dealt with that secret until I was 18 years old when I finally told my mother what had happened. The only person I feel completely close to out of my entire family is my little brother. I consider him my best friend and can talk to him about anything. Other relationships, for me, seem to be strained. Those relationships are most likely strained because I tend to pull away when I know things aren't going the way I would like them to.

I continuously doubt whether I am meant to pursue my dream or just become a mediocre office job zombie. I don't have the support from a live in boyfriend or husband but then again I've always grown up to believe you should love yourself before you love anyone else. You've got to be happy being alone before you can be happy living with someone. I still struggle with this, I'm happy but not everyday. I can remember going out last night with some coworkers for a birthday and I turned to one of them and said "Wow I can only imagine what my birthday would have been like if this many people showed up for me." She laughed and was stunned that I was telling the truth. Those are the type of thoughts that are constantly reeling through my head. That is even a tamer one than most.

I don't think this actually describes my internal struggle very well but right now I can't even explain it. Just realize that sometimes people want you to actually care and not just act sympathetic towards us. Then tell us we are full of drama, when you are the people that make me feel like I'm unwelcome. You are trying to make yourself look good and feel better about yourself when you talk bad about someone when they aren't there. Just remember to treat people how you would like to be treated.