So far I've had some crazy ups and downs this year...I am not even out of January. I lost a friend due to a drug overdose (most likely, no one knows the true c.o.d.) back at the beginning of the year. It didn't seem real until I was able to visit her grave site on Sunday with a close friend of mine. We began to talk about a lot of different things in my life and whether I am happy or not. 

Do not get me wrong, I am happy. I am positive this is where I am supposed to be right now, I may have wanted things differently but sometimes there is one way that everything has to be done. (My friend helped me see it this way.) I know sometimes it may not seem like I am the happiest. My life has been completely stressful and it hasn't been easy doing a lot of things on my own. I don't like to be considered a person that takes advantage of people that I love. So when someone offers help I tend to turn them down. Trying to make ends meet isn't fun and it is hard but with the help of people that don't care whether I need it or want it, I have been able to stay a float. So far this semester has started off easy but I am sure it will get difficult with time. Taking core classes that I must pass to graduate is going to throw me but with the support of some of the people I care most for, I know that I can do it.

I am a major control freak and when things aren't done my way, I can't handle it. So along with the journeys of being single and looking for a job after college, I will be adding "learning to let things go". Maybe even trying to be a little kinder to people and not so abrasive when I speak. Its all about making myself better this year. I will overcome some obstacles and I might fail but no matter what I learn.

Better Life

I'm going to start taking care of myself hopefully with working out and sleeping better.

Maybe drinking 8 glasses of water will help. For people who know me, you know it isn't easy for me to drink water. Hell it isn't easy for me to drink fluids often either. I'm pretty dehydrated constantly not because I don't want to drink but because I don't get the urge to drink fluids like water or Gatorade like most people. I don't know if this is a thing I should speak to my doctor about but soon enough I won't have insurance to know any better. I guess I just need to force water down. Hopefully things will become easier with time.

I am starting to feel better and able to walk more. I am working on getting Bourbon the training he needs so maybe he will be a better dog. Byntly is still a big pain but she cuddles when she thinks I need it. (Not when I want it but it works out fine.) Overall I am trying my hardest to smile and be positive about things. I know everything happens for a reason and when one door closes another door opens. I can't let one thing get me down. Keep moving forward.

Acting 101?

The medication I am on makes me weak and nauseous and not to mention depressed a little. I am about to let everyone in on the way I've been feeling. I don't want to be criticized or attacked. I feel this way because my brain responds that way.

As Jes and I were driving to Olive Garden for dinner tonight I mentioned to her that I feel useless in our theatre department at Tech. I haven't been cast in a show for a school since I was in high school and I've made a few strides outside of the theatre department at CATS playhouse. I love theatre and I want this to be my career but when you feel like everyone but yourself gets cast it starts to wear you down. I've been told by a few people that I am meant for bigger and better things, but how is that possible when I can't even get cast at the educational level? I don't want people to respond to this as me trying to get pity. I would prefer a chance. It seems like these directors don't give people chances. I just need someone out there to give me the opportunity to prove that I am just as good, if not better, than most of the actors/actresses they cast. I'm dedicated to my craft. I learn quickly and I work well with others. Maybe I view myself to highly? I also think that in theatre you never get away from the high school click. You are either the cool kid who gets cast or the outcast who gets acknowledged only when they want to acknowledge you. I know I have pretty tough skin but sometimes I just crave someone telling me I'm good not because they feel obligated to or because I asked "Was that good?" I've had several critiques in my lifetime, one of them being from James McClure himself telling me that I portrayed Elizabeth exactly how he had pictured her. I'm lost and confused.

Most of you who read this probably don't care or just think I'm being whiny. You don't have to read my blog but for the folks that do understand what I am going through, please help. I am just at a loss for what to do next. So do I keep moving forward on my career path or should I try and find a back up plan? Los Angeles or Austin? Law School or MFA?

I want it to be worthwhile! I want to continue to have a hunger for my craft and learn everyday. Strive for the best and be the best.

Lady Luck is not on my side

Surgery went well this morning. Everything, I assume since the doctor didn't even come in after, was taken care of properly. The anesthesia kicked my butt and made me very nauseous and light headed. I then went over to my friend Jes' and slept the day away until I had to get up, still not feeling great might I add, went to auditions for RROAPS and then assumed the position on the couch again because of nausea. If that isn't dedication to your craft I don't know what is...

Part of me wonders if they didn't call me back because they know already who they want and I could be it but the other part of me knows better. I'm not calledback because I wasn't what they "wanted" or because they are worried about two days I'll be performing another show. I'm just at my breaking point. I'm terrified I've chosen the wrong field and that I'm never going to amount to much. Even though I have the drive and the mindset, people just don't give me a chance. I want to be taken seriously and I don't. I have some major decisions to make in the next few months. Is acting what I want to do? or should I finally throw in the towel after not being cast in any major roles in over 8 years?

I don't feel like I'm a part of anything. I'm an outcast and no one will ever give me that chance.

SBS

Apparently Tech doesn't just want money once...they want it twice. I pay for my first math class and then when I had to sign up for my second they made me pay several of the same fees I was already paying. This is frustrating and I feel this is unnecessary. I was kind of looking forward to the little bit of extra money I was getting to go towards a new laptop and taking care of my animals....call me crazy but I think paying the fee once is enough.

I have to buy my class ring soon, get graduation invites, and my cap/gown because my whole family wants to see me graduate from college...I'd rather be graduating from UofM  but that isn't going to happen. I still haven't figured out where I am going to go after I graduate. I may stay in LBK until I have enough funds to move myself to the city of my choice. Who knows. Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, Seattle, Nashville, D.C., Austin, and the list goes on and on. I've got so little time and a million things to do it feels like. I always find my way though.

No Sleep til Brooklyn?...

Not that I am much of a Beastie Boys fan but I thought of this song when I couldn't sleep last night and when I finally did fall asleep I didn't wake up until 2 pm today. I have to get a grip on this because I need to be able to sleep for school. I'm lousy at school if I don't get enough sleep.

Switching thoughts:
We all know of the head games women and men play on each other. One of mine is to not text the other person until I feel its been a good amount of time. I don't know if guys do this as well, from my understanding since I hang out with mostly guys, they do wait a short time before calling or texting a girl to save their dignity...I guess. So as fun as this may sound to most people it isn't fun for me to wait until they contact me first because the guys that I like are too busy to even text me apparently. This happened in my last relationship too. Maybe guys just don't text as much? Eh guys will text or call if they really want to talk...some load of B.S. like that I'm sure. So as much as I want a certain guy to contact me, I'd rather him not bother if he isn't interested, it is just so hard for me not to contact them. This is a feat unto itself. I'm a social human being so I feel the need to chat when I can. Its just hard when you have no one who can/will.

A bunch of rambling I'm sure. Enjoy.

Little Known.

So my life is a bit different these days. I only have one dog (Bourbon), and I still have my cat (Byntly). Ryan and our dog (Lucille) are in Dallas. I ended things with Ryan recently and I feel that this was for the better. My only fear is that I will not find a guy that can handle my "baggage", as many of us call it. I may not have kids and I may not have an ex-husband but I definitely have some emotional baggage from my past that I've worked through and continuously work through on a daily basis. I've been told by many guys that what I seek is mainly a deal breaker.I won't go in to horrific details but what you need to know is that somethings women just will not do because of past experiences or just because it does not suite them morally. So "The Hunt" begins...

Part of me wonders what the next year will bring. I'm not allowed to be in a serious relationship all year, this started January 1st and ends January 1st of 2014. I am to focus on school and my career. Making sure to be selfish for my benefit and no one else's. The more I realize these last few years I was never thinking about me, it makes me realize that this year is going to be amazing! Nothing but me on the brain and guys on the back burner. Don't get me wrong guys, I am allowed to date just nothing serious for the next year. (I've always had problems with guys not wanting to date me anyway, so I doubt this will be hard.) High school, apparently guys liked me, but they didn't have the nerve to ask me out in any fashion. I went to prom stag both years. "I'm girl next door pretty" but no one a guy wants to date.

Sorry for the rambling. I tend to do this a lot so bear with me. So here begins the adventure of a lifetime.