The Most Important...

Dee, thank you for never judging me and accepting me for who I am and loving me pretty much unconditionally, I know it hasn't been easy. Trish, I know you are dealing with a lot but just know that sometimes you have to get through the crap to find the gold. I know there is major things ahead for you, you just need to believe. Janelle, I know we don't talk nearly enough but I swear I will get my bearings and soon it'll be like we never even lived apart from one another. Samantha, if I am half the mother that you are my kids will be loved beyond belief. You are amazing and deserve the world. Mary, you inspire me to pursue my dream more than anyone else. You are doing what you love and not giving up. You are truly awesome. Shanna, your strong heart and courage of conviction is just inspiring to be around. You will be an amazing mom. Jessica, you teach me something new about life everyday...even if it has to do with cooking, cleaning, wearing makeup, or even wearing cute clothes. I admire you. To both of my littles, Martina and Kelsea, I miss you more everyday! Martina, I know you are striving to be an amazing nurse and thats all a big can ask for. Kels, you have grown into a beautiful woman and any man would be lucky to have a woman as beautiful and kind hearted as you.

I am not a woman that hangs out with too many females because of the fact that most women come across deceitful, but the few women I call best friends are the few that I trust most with my well being and with my heart. I know they will always keep it safe.

Looking in all the wrong places

I was told the other day that I've been looking for the wrong type of guy. You tell me. 

I want a guy that when he sees something that reminds him of me he doesn't hesitate to grab it. I have tattoos, so I want a guy that doesn't care about the ink, just the woman underneath the ink. I would love a guy with a great smile. He needs to be funny because I love to laugh. I would like a guy that enjoys Texas country music just as me if not more but it isn't a make or break. I also prefer a guy with a truck that can keep up with mine. Someone who loves his family and wants kids. 

You think I'm looking for the wrong type? I don't think so. I don't drink and so I don't go to bars but I almost feel as if finding a decent guy in this era is hard without using the internet. I am not a fan of Internet dating sites. I know I am happy being single, even with that I see myself with a family one day. I won't regret living life if I end up alone but I know having a family will be fun. I'm in no rush to settle down. I just wanted to air my thoughts out into the open. 

More of Me.

I don't fit in. I've never, in fact, fit in. I have always been a person that can usually get along with multiple types of people and groups. Since moving back to Texas I feel more and more like I don't fit in here, especially in Lubbock. I have one best friend out here. All of my other friends are spread out across the country. I hate that this place feels like high school all over again. Drama ensues almost everywhere you go. You get ousted from hanging out with people because you haven't been cast or you aren't "cool" enough. This doesn't help when are depressed and have to feel like no one could careless if you are in the room.

Telling me I'm filled with drama is total b.s. No one actually knows what I deal with internally on a daily basis. I deal with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Not that any of my military buddies would agree with the PTSD because I never served overseas or anything. What they don't seem to understand is PTSD has everything to do with something traumatic that has happened to someone. It doesn't even need to deal with war. Anxiety gives me panic attacks even when I don't have anything to worry about. It feels like a heart attack. Depression is probably the toughest to deal with on a daily basis. I live alone with my dog and cat. It takes every part of my being to get up and actually function day to day. I have my good days and I definitely have my bad days. Sometimes the good outweigh the bad or vice versa. I can't control how I feel when I wake up, all I can really do is try my best to look at the positive in life and focus on the fact I've made it this far. I've lost many a good friend to depression and I refuse to go down like that. I may struggle day to day but I'm still here holding on and fighting to stay in the game.

I was 10 years old when I lost my father. I know that losing a family member is no excuse to be depressed until you are my age. Try being a young adult and having been to over 10 funerals in 10 years. I know that may not seem like a lot but for most people it is. I've dealt with so much in such a short amount of time I'm surprised my heart still bleeds. Dealing with death is hard enough but tack on sexual/physical abuse and it can feel like the world has crumbled in on you. I dealt with that secret until I was 18 years old when I finally told my mother what had happened. The only person I feel completely close to out of my entire family is my little brother. I consider him my best friend and can talk to him about anything. Other relationships, for me, seem to be strained. Those relationships are most likely strained because I tend to pull away when I know things aren't going the way I would like them to.

I continuously doubt whether I am meant to pursue my dream or just become a mediocre office job zombie. I don't have the support from a live in boyfriend or husband but then again I've always grown up to believe you should love yourself before you love anyone else. You've got to be happy being alone before you can be happy living with someone. I still struggle with this, I'm happy but not everyday. I can remember going out last night with some coworkers for a birthday and I turned to one of them and said "Wow I can only imagine what my birthday would have been like if this many people showed up for me." She laughed and was stunned that I was telling the truth. Those are the type of thoughts that are constantly reeling through my head. That is even a tamer one than most.

I don't think this actually describes my internal struggle very well but right now I can't even explain it. Just realize that sometimes people want you to actually care and not just act sympathetic towards us. Then tell us we are full of drama, when you are the people that make me feel like I'm unwelcome. You are trying to make yourself look good and feel better about yourself when you talk bad about someone when they aren't there. Just remember to treat people how you would like to be treated.

Decisions, decisions....

I made a mistake. Hell, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I rarely regret anything I have done in my past because at one point it was what I wanted. The one I regret most is turning down the chance to audition for the company manager for a theatre company in the Northeast.

I am an actor, yet I have barely any experience professionally. I don't have a very filled in resume because I never got the chance to perform once I moved from Montana. I almost feel like if I would have stayed at University of Montana I would have more chances to do what I love. I'm intimidated by the fact that most of these college students I've spent the last 4 years with, both in Montana and Texas, have more of a chance than I do. I keep hearing about all the opportunities everyone is getting. I know that I am meant for bigger and better things but I am terrified because I'm up against people 5 years younger than me for the same roles. Got to keep chugging along. Pushing and keeping the passion alive is all I can do. If that means working in community theatre until I finally burst into the world a star then so be it!

So with that said I have a choice to make. Stay in the great state of Texas (Austin to be exact) or move to L.A.

Today

Have you ever noticed how you aren't allowed to text someone unless they text you first? Well how is the conversation supposed to start if you don't text them or call them first? No matter what you say, you are playing a game. I hate games. I just want to know that you like spending the time to get to know me or you just don't want to know me at all. Met a guy, gave him my number, hung out with him that night, and now haven't heard from him in a few days. Just wish I knew what to do. I've always been pretty cool when it comes to guys but I guess since I've been out of the game for a few years I've lost my ability.

Today has been a day of feeling great and then feeling down. It started off well enough. Took a Classical Mythology exam which I feel I did alright on. Then Math class was just like any other with a ton of notes. After coming home and relaxing I became a little depressed. (Anyone who has or knows someone with Anxiety/Depression knows that this can be normal.) I haven't really been down in a few days, so I tried to ignore it and go work out. After working out my brain started thinking, like it does when it wants to make me feel horrible. I started thinking about how alone I am and how I may live alone for the rest of my life. Normally I am okay with the thought of living the rest of my life alone but today it hit me harder than normal. I, also, know I am not truly alone. I have a good amount of great friends and I have some pretty rock solid family. Plus, not to mention, I have an awesome dog and cat that help distract me from everyday life. For some reason today just was a little worse than the rest. I will overcome this feeling but it just takes a little time.

Sorry, once again random thought process, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Hopefully my followers wouldn't either.

Life Update

I can't sleep so this means I type away....

Saturday I quit On the Border. Only because the manager on duty is a pain and doesn't know how to treat people with respect at all. I already have a job at Chuy's here in Lubbock but I really didn't want to walk out on OTB like I did. Sometimes you have to do what you don't want to, so that you may be happy.

As I continue to work on myself, I've come to the realization that I may not have as many friends as I thought. I don't feel like I belong out here. I want to belong somewhere. I may have to start looking elsewhere for lasting friendships. Even though I didn't necessarily like living in the sorority house, I miss my Delta Gamma girls. I know no matter what they were my family and always had my back. I can still call anyone of them up and know they will talk/calm me down.

Bourbon has been in dog training with a friend of mine. He is doing amazing and learning quickly. Byntly is still the same old cat that lays next to me as I type this wonderful update on my life. I dog sit for my friend from time to time, he has two Bassett hounds. B and them get along exceedingly well.

I'm slowly and steadily running out of steam on looking for a job. Maybe I should just do community theatre....I still feel like I'm meant for greater things but I honestly don't even know where to begin.

So far I've had some crazy ups and downs this year...I am not even out of January. I lost a friend due to a drug overdose (most likely, no one knows the true c.o.d.) back at the beginning of the year. It didn't seem real until I was able to visit her grave site on Sunday with a close friend of mine. We began to talk about a lot of different things in my life and whether I am happy or not. 

Do not get me wrong, I am happy. I am positive this is where I am supposed to be right now, I may have wanted things differently but sometimes there is one way that everything has to be done. (My friend helped me see it this way.) I know sometimes it may not seem like I am the happiest. My life has been completely stressful and it hasn't been easy doing a lot of things on my own. I don't like to be considered a person that takes advantage of people that I love. So when someone offers help I tend to turn them down. Trying to make ends meet isn't fun and it is hard but with the help of people that don't care whether I need it or want it, I have been able to stay a float. So far this semester has started off easy but I am sure it will get difficult with time. Taking core classes that I must pass to graduate is going to throw me but with the support of some of the people I care most for, I know that I can do it.

I am a major control freak and when things aren't done my way, I can't handle it. So along with the journeys of being single and looking for a job after college, I will be adding "learning to let things go". Maybe even trying to be a little kinder to people and not so abrasive when I speak. Its all about making myself better this year. I will overcome some obstacles and I might fail but no matter what I learn.

Better Life

I'm going to start taking care of myself hopefully with working out and sleeping better.

Maybe drinking 8 glasses of water will help. For people who know me, you know it isn't easy for me to drink water. Hell it isn't easy for me to drink fluids often either. I'm pretty dehydrated constantly not because I don't want to drink but because I don't get the urge to drink fluids like water or Gatorade like most people. I don't know if this is a thing I should speak to my doctor about but soon enough I won't have insurance to know any better. I guess I just need to force water down. Hopefully things will become easier with time.

I am starting to feel better and able to walk more. I am working on getting Bourbon the training he needs so maybe he will be a better dog. Byntly is still a big pain but she cuddles when she thinks I need it. (Not when I want it but it works out fine.) Overall I am trying my hardest to smile and be positive about things. I know everything happens for a reason and when one door closes another door opens. I can't let one thing get me down. Keep moving forward.

Acting 101?

The medication I am on makes me weak and nauseous and not to mention depressed a little. I am about to let everyone in on the way I've been feeling. I don't want to be criticized or attacked. I feel this way because my brain responds that way.

As Jes and I were driving to Olive Garden for dinner tonight I mentioned to her that I feel useless in our theatre department at Tech. I haven't been cast in a show for a school since I was in high school and I've made a few strides outside of the theatre department at CATS playhouse. I love theatre and I want this to be my career but when you feel like everyone but yourself gets cast it starts to wear you down. I've been told by a few people that I am meant for bigger and better things, but how is that possible when I can't even get cast at the educational level? I don't want people to respond to this as me trying to get pity. I would prefer a chance. It seems like these directors don't give people chances. I just need someone out there to give me the opportunity to prove that I am just as good, if not better, than most of the actors/actresses they cast. I'm dedicated to my craft. I learn quickly and I work well with others. Maybe I view myself to highly? I also think that in theatre you never get away from the high school click. You are either the cool kid who gets cast or the outcast who gets acknowledged only when they want to acknowledge you. I know I have pretty tough skin but sometimes I just crave someone telling me I'm good not because they feel obligated to or because I asked "Was that good?" I've had several critiques in my lifetime, one of them being from James McClure himself telling me that I portrayed Elizabeth exactly how he had pictured her. I'm lost and confused.

Most of you who read this probably don't care or just think I'm being whiny. You don't have to read my blog but for the folks that do understand what I am going through, please help. I am just at a loss for what to do next. So do I keep moving forward on my career path or should I try and find a back up plan? Los Angeles or Austin? Law School or MFA?

I want it to be worthwhile! I want to continue to have a hunger for my craft and learn everyday. Strive for the best and be the best.

Lady Luck is not on my side

Surgery went well this morning. Everything, I assume since the doctor didn't even come in after, was taken care of properly. The anesthesia kicked my butt and made me very nauseous and light headed. I then went over to my friend Jes' and slept the day away until I had to get up, still not feeling great might I add, went to auditions for RROAPS and then assumed the position on the couch again because of nausea. If that isn't dedication to your craft I don't know what is...

Part of me wonders if they didn't call me back because they know already who they want and I could be it but the other part of me knows better. I'm not calledback because I wasn't what they "wanted" or because they are worried about two days I'll be performing another show. I'm just at my breaking point. I'm terrified I've chosen the wrong field and that I'm never going to amount to much. Even though I have the drive and the mindset, people just don't give me a chance. I want to be taken seriously and I don't. I have some major decisions to make in the next few months. Is acting what I want to do? or should I finally throw in the towel after not being cast in any major roles in over 8 years?

I don't feel like I'm a part of anything. I'm an outcast and no one will ever give me that chance.

SBS

Apparently Tech doesn't just want money once...they want it twice. I pay for my first math class and then when I had to sign up for my second they made me pay several of the same fees I was already paying. This is frustrating and I feel this is unnecessary. I was kind of looking forward to the little bit of extra money I was getting to go towards a new laptop and taking care of my animals....call me crazy but I think paying the fee once is enough.

I have to buy my class ring soon, get graduation invites, and my cap/gown because my whole family wants to see me graduate from college...I'd rather be graduating from UofM  but that isn't going to happen. I still haven't figured out where I am going to go after I graduate. I may stay in LBK until I have enough funds to move myself to the city of my choice. Who knows. Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, Seattle, Nashville, D.C., Austin, and the list goes on and on. I've got so little time and a million things to do it feels like. I always find my way though.

No Sleep til Brooklyn?...

Not that I am much of a Beastie Boys fan but I thought of this song when I couldn't sleep last night and when I finally did fall asleep I didn't wake up until 2 pm today. I have to get a grip on this because I need to be able to sleep for school. I'm lousy at school if I don't get enough sleep.

Switching thoughts:
We all know of the head games women and men play on each other. One of mine is to not text the other person until I feel its been a good amount of time. I don't know if guys do this as well, from my understanding since I hang out with mostly guys, they do wait a short time before calling or texting a girl to save their dignity...I guess. So as fun as this may sound to most people it isn't fun for me to wait until they contact me first because the guys that I like are too busy to even text me apparently. This happened in my last relationship too. Maybe guys just don't text as much? Eh guys will text or call if they really want to talk...some load of B.S. like that I'm sure. So as much as I want a certain guy to contact me, I'd rather him not bother if he isn't interested, it is just so hard for me not to contact them. This is a feat unto itself. I'm a social human being so I feel the need to chat when I can. Its just hard when you have no one who can/will.

A bunch of rambling I'm sure. Enjoy.

Little Known.

So my life is a bit different these days. I only have one dog (Bourbon), and I still have my cat (Byntly). Ryan and our dog (Lucille) are in Dallas. I ended things with Ryan recently and I feel that this was for the better. My only fear is that I will not find a guy that can handle my "baggage", as many of us call it. I may not have kids and I may not have an ex-husband but I definitely have some emotional baggage from my past that I've worked through and continuously work through on a daily basis. I've been told by many guys that what I seek is mainly a deal breaker.I won't go in to horrific details but what you need to know is that somethings women just will not do because of past experiences or just because it does not suite them morally. So "The Hunt" begins...

Part of me wonders what the next year will bring. I'm not allowed to be in a serious relationship all year, this started January 1st and ends January 1st of 2014. I am to focus on school and my career. Making sure to be selfish for my benefit and no one else's. The more I realize these last few years I was never thinking about me, it makes me realize that this year is going to be amazing! Nothing but me on the brain and guys on the back burner. Don't get me wrong guys, I am allowed to date just nothing serious for the next year. (I've always had problems with guys not wanting to date me anyway, so I doubt this will be hard.) High school, apparently guys liked me, but they didn't have the nerve to ask me out in any fashion. I went to prom stag both years. "I'm girl next door pretty" but no one a guy wants to date.

Sorry for the rambling. I tend to do this a lot so bear with me. So here begins the adventure of a lifetime.